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Who's that Girl Stalking her Ex? It's Jess

5/6/2016

4 Comments

 
​*Spoilers here unless you’re all caught up, New Girl fans!
 
As far as television sitcoms go, New Girl is one of my favorites. I think about it as the millennial version of Friends with understated feminist themes, progressive takes on modern masculinity, and moments that make me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. Watching Schmidt freak out when he realizes Jess made out with his dad? Pure bliss. I replayed that scene about ten times until there were tears streaming down my cheeks and my partner had to check on me from the other room because I was making such a ruckus. It was a beautiful moment between me and the Hulu I shall never forget. 
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New Girl Season 5 Episode 12 “D-Day”
But the show is not perfect. Just two episodes after being so impressed at the writing and directing that resulted in Schmidt’s drive heave meltdown, Elizabeth Meriwether and company really disappointed me in their portrayal of stalking. As someone who has counseled countless students, hotline callers, and friends who have experienced stalking, the whole storyline of Jess harassing, following, and relentlessly pursuing her ex was a big turnoff.
 
The stalking begins in the first few minutes of the show. We are reminded of Jess’s role in the breakup between her ex, Sam, and his new girlfriend. His last words to Jess? “Get out of my life.” Much to the outwardly expressed disapproval of her friends, Jess has continued to text and call Sam. Next thing we know, she is served a restraining order requiring she keep her distance. She is surprised, but she refuses to take the situation seriously. Her friends tell her to leave Sam alone.
 
In protest, Jess visits the police station to request the order be dropped, where Winston attempts to convince Jess to obey it and talks her out of writing Sam a letter. Next scene: Jess goes to Sam’s place of employment to leave a letter on his car. In the parking lot, she spots Sam and to hide, quickly throws herself in the back of a random truck—the truck, of course, turns out to be Sam’s. He gets in and starts driving while Jess makes a panicked phone call to Winston for advice. When the truck finally stops, Jess realizes Sam is driving through an automatic car wash. After being pummeled by the water sprays and rotating scrubbers, Jess throws herself onto the hood of Sam’s car, scaring the bejesus out of him. 
 
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New Girl Season 5 Episode 14 “300 Feet”
Outside the car wash, Jess and Sam have a short conversation in which Sam reiterates the presence of the restraining order. Jess makes a fool of herself, runs into a pole, and Sam reluctantly offers to give her a ride home out of pity. When Sam gets fed up with Jess a few minutes later, he pulls the vehicle over and orders her out. Jess says some romantic-esque line about how Sam was right to take out a restraining order on her because ever since she saw him again, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. The music shifts, and all of a sudden Sam grabs Jess and starts making out with her.
 
When they return to her apartment, Winston yells at Jess to get legally mandated 300 feet away from Sam, but Jess insists they’ve “figured it out.” Sam tells Winston he is dropping the restraining order, and Winston attempts to get them both to consider whether or not getting back together is a good idea. Jess tries to explain that both she and Sam have matured. Winston, the voice of reason, responds, “Jess, nobody takes out a restraining order unless they think that they’re in danger.” Sam agrees, but the twist is that he felt Jess was “dangerous” because he didn’t trust himself not to contact her because he, like Jess, couldn’t stop thinking about her. Cue soft music. They say goodbye. Winston is relieved the situation is finally over.

Then Jess runs down Sam's truck as he is driving away, she jumps into the cab, and they start making out again. Happy music. End of episode. 

“I’m not a restraining order person.” –Jess, in response to being served a restraining order


The first thing worth noting about the portrayal of stalking in this episode is the way it plays into the myth of who a stalker can be. When most people think of a stalker, a popular stereotype comes to mind: a creepy dude wearing a ski mask and hiding in the bushes, not a thirty-something adorkable white girl who’s obsessed with her ex. But the reality is that stalkers can be any age, gender, or race, and since most people know the people they are being stalked by, they can be coworkers, colleagues, classmates, and current significant others in addition to exes. They could be anyone. Stalking isn’t defined by who a person is or isn’t, but what behavior is involved.

 
“I just don’t get why Sam would do this. I’m not dangerous.” –Jess, about the restraining order

​This brings to me next point: Jess—along with most of the rest of mainstream society—rarely takes stalking very seriously, especially if the stalker does not meet the stalker stereotype. In reality, stalking situations are serious and involve a pattern of conduct that causes a person fear or distress. Though all 50 states in the U.S. have stalking laws, they vary a bit in what is considered fear or whether distress or discomfort is part of that definition. But however progressive or limiting a particular stalking law is written, it does not matter whether or not Jess views her behavior as dangerous. If a person feels uncomfortable, unsafe, anxious, or afraid because of someone else’s repetitive actions, that meets the definition of stalking.
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​“I’m not crazy” –Jess, after throwing herself on the hood of Sam’s truck 

Another myth about stalkers is that they are mentally ill. This idea is harmful in multiple ways. First, it is simply not true. Sure, there may be a small portion of stalkers who have mental illnesses, but people who stalk others—and commit other forms of gender violence—are not people incapable of knowing what they are doing. Stalking doesn’t happen by accident; it is calculated, manipulative, and all about power and control. It’s about ignoring someone else’s boundaries, and it’s a violation of consent. Second, the idea that stalkers are “crazy” give people who are mentally ill a bad rap. When it comes to gender violence, we tend to blame people with mental illness because it can be difficult to imagine that people we think “have it together” or appear “normal” could be capable of such things. This is unfair, ableist, and inaccurate. 

 
“I’m not dangerous and you don’t need to be afraid of me” –Jess to Sam, outside the car wash

​We still have a long way to go when it comes to recognizing stalking as a legit problem. Jess’s stalking of Sam is meant to be laughable, and sadly, this is the mainstream response to women stalking men. Gender stereotypes make it difficult for us to view women as aggressive or criminal and men as victims. Even if a dude is believed when he reports stalking or discloses to someone close to him, his situation may be dismissed with the popular adage, “Bitches be crazy.” This is meant to suggest that women may be 
crazy, but they’re certainly not dangerous
. Not only does this contribute to the idea that stalking is a joke, but it minimizes men’s experiences of stalking that may result in massive amounts of stress, life disruption, and many psychological, physical, and emotional responses just like any other victim of stalking.
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“Yeah I get it…it’s too sad to watch.” –Jess to Sam after running into pole outside the car wash

I couldn’t have said it better myself. This episode was sad to watch because of its seemingly innocent yet harmful misrepresentation of stalking. The worst part of all of it is that Jess’s stalking—as well as Sam’s act of getting the restraining order—get spun as romantic actions that result in bringing them together by the end of the episode. Though I am thankful for Winston’s earnest commitment to the value and importance of the restraining order throughout the episode, the only suggestion of the potential gravity of the situation is overruled by lovey-dovey music and heavy snogging. That’s ok, we’re told, because the restraining order was never something “serious” anyway. And, everything worked out ok in the end, so we needn’t give it another thought. Six episodes later, Jess and Sam’s relationship is still going strong despite the hilarious foundation it was built upon. Also: it is disappointing to me that Jess is portrayed as simultaneously immature, obsessive, cunning, pitiful, and innocent in this episode. Not only does this characterization let woman stalkers off the hook, but it really undermines the whimsy, generosity, and other centeredness I thought were cornerstones of who Jess is. Maybe that’s why the writers tried to redeem her in Episode 20 when Jess selflessly invites a woman in love with Sam to express her feelings to him. Strangely, Jess is super calm and reasonable about the whole thing even though her relationship with Sam might be over. Or perhaps this is just the real Jess emerging from whatever dark tunnel we were just in. 


Yes, I’m still watching the show. No one can get it right all of the time. But stalking is a form of gender violence we have yet to take seriously as a culture, and it’s time we change that. We shouldn’t laugh it off—this show is too awesome for that.  
 
Why is stalking a serious issue to you? Join the conversation at #stalkingisaseriousissue.

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Feminist Resistance & Humor in Janelle Monáe’s “Yoga”

8/11/2015

3 Comments

 
I first witnessed the music video when I was on the treadmill at the gym. I have to admit I was a bit skeptical: I do lots of yoga and for me it’s a physical and spiritual practice that gets my head right and prevents my neck and back from causing me major problems. It’s not something I ever feel sexy doing. I’m way too worried about my spandex inching down my ass and my boobs falling out while I’m in downward dog, not to mention the loud Ujjayi sounds I make with my breath to distract myself from comparing my body to the skinnier and leaner ones next to me adorned in Lululemon. I also fart a lot. See? Not very sexy.

But Janelle Monáe reminds me that in addition to all of the things I express through my body, like my awkward attempts at asanas, the occasional yoga breakthrough (like that one time I did full-on wheel pose ALL MY MYSELF in my living room), and my commitment to groundedness, my body is also a sexual body, even while doing yoga. I know, I know, Janelle is singing about getting down at the club, but there’s something about the song that gets me thinking about how yoga has helped me to be more comfortable in my body, especially since experiencing sexual assault. It has helped me to be more confident, healthy, and self-aware, more focused on my body’s (physical, emotional, and sexual) needs, and more flexible (mentally as well as physically). It hasn’t drastically changed my physical appearance, but I have certainly developed more of an existence of being in myself, if that makes any sense. Yep, yoga has been life-changing for me.

So, back to the song. If you haven’t heard it, you must. It’s super catchy and fun and sexy and even better because it’s written by a six-time Grammy nominee on her own record label. The video is great because I can dance along to the chorus (seriously—the moves are super follow-able for us the common folk who wish we could dance and actually feel like we can kind of dance with moves like this) and feel all empowered while I do it with lines like: “I ain’t got no worries, I’m my own private dancer” and “Crown on my head but the world on my shoulder / I’m too much a rebel, never do what I’m supposed ta.” Not to mention that I love how Janelle takes yoga out of the context of studios filled with upper white class women and owns it by her own terms. 

And then there’s the last part of the second verse: “You cannot police me so get off my areola, get off my areola.”

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So this is the point as you’re reading this that if you haven’t seen the video, I recommend you watch it now. I’m serious. You have to watch Janelle’s face when she sings, “areola.” It’s this amazingly awesome moment in which she achieves a balance of resistance, boldness, self-awareness, and humor. Whether she is speaking to the truths of black women or all women, she’s saying something about the policing of bodies and sexuality and sexual expression and self-expression. And the way she does it is brilliant, because it is inviting rather than alienating. Some folks have suggested that she’s making a nod to #freethenipple, and that may be true, but I think the line is about so much more than that.

It’s a reminder about how women’s bodies are still objectified, commodified, trivialized, and controlled. It makes it seem ironic, then, that “areola” was censor-worthy when Janelle performed “Yoga” on The Tonight Show back in May. If you listen closely, she actually sings something that sounds like “little ola.” The performance is still great, but come on. I didn’t even know “areola” was considered profane, let alone not suitable for late-night programming. Still, Janelle reminds us that “Sometimes I’m peachy, and sometimes I’m vulgar / Even when I’m sleeping I got one eye open.” She may have self-censored, but she’s aware of it and she will find other ways to express resistance. At least this is what I like to think about her performance.

At any rate, I’m still in love with the song and the way Janelle creates space for bodily agency and empowerment. Though some arguments can be made for “Yoga” catering somewhat to a hetero male audience—and such points made stronger by some of Jidenna’s lyrics—Janelle has made it clear in the past that she’s a feminist and that she is “not for male consumption.” In a culture in which we are still struggling against slut-shaming, abstinence-only education, rampant sexual violence, and victim-blaming, “Yoga” offers an affirming path for self-loving sexuality.

I think the key, as Janelle models, is to not take ourselves too seriously. Some of my favorite yoga instructors offer the same mantra: work hard, but do it with a sense of humor. This kind of feminist resistance is fierce and focused, but invitational. Feminism, like yoga, should be flexible and self-aware and strong, but it can also be fun, sexy, humble, and willing to laugh at itself. And if this is the kind of feminism we engage in, maybe more folks will join us. After all, no one wants to join a yoga class full of uppity snobs only concerned with appearances and showing off. Let’s flex our humor-filled feminist muscles with Janelle. We might even achieve a kind of feminist nirvana.
 
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Feminist Frank is not Boyfriend Material

5/28/2014

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I’m not out to ruin everyone’s fun. Honest. It just seems that in the midst of the mainstream feminist movement’s love affair with Feminist Frank, we worship him much too easily. I mean, this meme has been posted with glorious admiration by many of the feminist and critical blogs and sites I follow (like Feministing and PolicyMic) as well as some of the more sort of feminist stuff I read (like HuffPost Women or Buzzfeed). And aside from PolicyMic’s actual discussion of how the meme may function, each of these sites wholeheartedly embraces Feminist Frank without any critical interrogation. Buzzfeed even suggests that Feminist Frank would be the perfect boyfriend. Hmm. Though I don’t think that’s what folks are really thinking when they encounter the meme, I do think we owe it to ourselves—as feminists—to take a closer look beyond the initial chuckle of enjoyment we get from these incredibly misogynist phrases being subverted by an Abercrombie-looking presumably straight white dude we don’t expect to have feminist sensibilities.

But does Frank have feminist sensibilities? And does he, as Elizabeth Plank suggests, really allow “women to imagine a world where even the douchiest douche has the potential to be an ally. Maybe women can have it all?” Is this our fantasy scenario? Because if so, I think we’re setting the bar quite low. And as much as I wish all the entitled cis white straight men would wake up and realize how ridiculous and harmful misogyny and gender stereotypes and traditional masculinity really are and join the movement to end gender violence, I’m really not thrilled about posers like Feminist Frank being touted as the new representatives of the feminist movement.  

Here’s why. First of all, we wouldn’t actually like Feminist Frank in the flesh. Just imagine him as a real guy. If I was at a party and this preppy dude walked up to me with an opening line like, “You can’t rape the willing…” and then quickly followed it up with “which is why getting your consent before we make out is super important to me” I would still think he is a misogynist jackass despite his attempt to “save” the first part of his sentence. If Frank was truly a feminist, he wouldn’t try to woo me with rapey pickup lines. He’d be doing real feminist work instead of co-opting the language of feminism to try and impress women. Rebecca Vipond Brink makes a similar argument about Feminist Frank, suggesting that

       “These are men on the left who say that they’re            feminists but who never act like it; who speak              over women in discussions about women’s                    rights instead of listening to us. They’re guys                who are sexist, but who cloak themselves in the            language of leftist and feminist politics in order 
       to claim that they’re not.”

Second, Feminist Frank relies on the rhetoric of sexism and rape to set the foundation for his redeemability.
Though each of these phrases

        That chick totally blew me
        Dang gurl that ass
        I’d hit that
        I got 99 problems and a bitch ain’t one
        Watch me smack that ass
        That bitch sure is a prize

is followed by a clause intended to subvert their misogyny, Feminist Frank’s statements only work as humor or entertainment because they are misogynistic. The meme is enjoyable because it defies our expectations. I can get on board with that to a certain degree, but I think we need to ask what it means that our humor and entertainment is based upon a foundation of violence against women and girls. I get that Feminist Frank’s intended audience is already informed feminist-minded folks, but are we making a joke of sexism and rape in a way that will minimize their seriousness? Is the risk worth our enjoyment?

Third, though I’m obviously a proponent of the idea that anyone—everyone—can be feminist (I subscribe to bell hooks’s definition of feminism as a movement to end sexism, sexist oppression, and exploitation), is Feminist Frank really the epitome of feminist success? Are cisgender white straight middle and upper class men really the last frontier of feminism? This is a far more complicated question than can be teased out here, given that these are the folks who get away with committing the most violence against women and who arguably pose the greatest threat to the liberation of women—and all people, inclusive of differences in gender identity, sexual orientation, race, class, nationality, ability, etc. So what if instead of situating Feminist Frank as our feminist man idol we instead frame the meme as a sad and ironic example of how screwed up the world is: that this is what feminist looks like? Feminist Frank as dark feminist humor—instead of lighthearted feminist fantasy—is something I could really get behind.

I pose all of these thoughts as questions more than as a definitive argument. Certainly there are some variations of the Feminist Frank meme that are not as overtly violent or do not rely as wholly on sexually violent language to make their point. In fact, the presumably first Feminist Frank image used the phrase, “Women who dress provocatively deserve…to be treated with respect and decency, just like everyone else.” Love it. And “I’m gonna get loud…at the demonstration this evening – Take Back the Night!” is certainly fun and devoid of violence. It’s also important to note that Feminist Frank functions very similarly to sexual violence prevention efforts like the Make Your Move campaign that subvert creepy phrases to encourage bystander intervention: “I could tell she was asking for it…to stop. So I stepped in and told my buddy that was no way to treat a lady. And he backed off.” I applaud the creativity because we certainly need it when it comes to prevention. But a lot of the questions I have about Feminist Frank are also questions I have of these campaigns.

Perhaps Feminist Frank is a first step, as some have suggested, for more men to actively take part in feminist conversations—though it’s impossible to know how many men are actually reproducing the meme, or what motivates them to participate in the discussion, be it an excuse to participate in misogyny disguised in a feminist mask or actual interest in eradicating sexism. And I have yet to read any commentary on Feminist Frank written by men. This is why I’m skeptical.

So, I invite you into a dialogue about feminism, social change, and men’s engagement with, or performance of, feminism. Thank you, (Faux) Feminist Frank, for being a catalyst for this discussion. I would never date you, but you do bring up important stuff we need to think about as we strive to end sexism and gender violence.

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    Jenn Freitag, Ph.D. is an educator, activist, scholar, and performance artist committed to ending gender violence. 

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